Every Pelicans fan believes the Sacramento Kings are the Saja Boys
A thrilling late-season run had the New Orleans Pelicans as high as the #5 seed. And then Jaren Jackson Jr. got hurt. A death spiral started from which the team never fully recovered, even as they eked their way into the playoffs in Jestor's first full season in New Orleans (second officially). A date with Sacramento awaited, a sweep that was swift, brutal, and unpleasant as a true form demon's kiss.
Jayson Tatum and Cameron Reddish saw their shots completely abandon them, and not even a late return by JJJ could save them, as Doc Rivers appeared paralyzed, unable to move or change rotations or strategy, even though a desperate, wild as the heart of a teen girl in love tactic was planned for Game 4 that never saw the light of day in this series dark and dreary.
A full season review will come later, once passions have cooled - the pain of the playoff putridity passed, the jubilation of jump jetted to a sublime, golden happiness. But for now, the devastation that GM Jestor described to an assistant as, "worse than the pain of your OTL leaving with the jock forever, with your nerdy ass left in the squelching, storming rain, the scents of sulfur and sorrow smoldering in your nose and heart" has been dinted by the delirium delivered from a curse older than Socrates' sepulchre* breaking:
A Jestor team has at long last jumped in the lottery.
And not only jumped. First. The pinnacle, the top.
From nadir to apex in a breathless second.
Alleged photo of the Pelicans' war room when the top overall pick was announced
Rumor has it the following song played shortly after the results:
I was a ghost, I was alone, hah
Eoduwojin apgilsoge (Ah)
Given the throne, I didn't know how to believe
I was the queen that I'm meant to be
I lived two lives, tried to play both sides
But I couldn't find my own place
Called a problem child 'cause I got too wild
But now that's how I'm getting paid, kkeuteopsi on stage
I'm done hiding, now I'm shining like I'm born to be
We're dreaming hard, we came so far, now I believe
We're goin' up, up, up, it's our moment
You know together we're glowin'
Gonna be, gonna be golden
Oh, up, up, up with our voices
Yeongwonhi kkaejil su eomneun
Gonna be, gonna be golden
The betting markets, already high on UConn's Stephon Castle, immediately stampeded even harder for the Husky, with one blogger noting: "Look, I don't care what you say about New Orleans needing an heir apparent to JJJ, and that they're really already set at PG with Coby White, J.D. Davison, and Scotty Pippen Jr. (drafted 9th overall in a trade-up last year) all factoring in the rotation. You want to talk about how Ke'el Ware is that guy? You want to talk about how they need a scoring star to supplant Jayson Tatum when the time comes, so it's someone like Shaedon Sharpe? Boy, if you don't gtfo out of here with that nonsense right now, I'll slap your ass into the 22nd century.
Look, we all know how much Jestor loves big guards, loves guys he can move around the board, loves a 1 who can actually pass the damn ball and play defense. Castle is all of those things in one player. He pleases the Classic Jestorians, he excites the New Era Jestorians who still think trading away Anfernee "Thunder" Simons was a mistake. We literally heard months ago that Castle reminded Jestor of Simons. It's obvious as purple tattoos in the KPDHverse (a sequel will come or I'll literally salt and eat my fucking hat). It's going to be Castle.
You wanna be a contrarian little "WeLl AcKsHuLlaY" bitch? FOH. New Orleans still has Orlando's pick next year. They can get their sexypants scorer or eventual JJJ heir there. Point guard is the God damn single hardest position to fill in this league - especially the way the Pelicans play. You can suck deez nutz if you think it's going to be anyone other than Castle."
And perhaps, perhaps.... this might be the very thing that has the Pelicans faithful singing...
"Nothing but the truth now
Nothing but the proof of what I am
The worst of what I came from, patterns I'm ashamed of
Things that even I don't understand
I tried to fix it, I tried to fight it
My head was twisted, my heart divided
My lies all collided
I don't know why I didn't trust you to be on my side
I broke into a million pieces, and I can't go back
But now I'm seeing all the beauty in the broken glass
The scars are part of me, darkness and harmony
My voice without the lies, this is what it sounds like
Why did I cover up the colors stuck inside my head?
I should've let the jagged edges meet the light instead
Show me what's underneath, I'll find your harmony
The song we couldn't write, this is what it sounds like
We're shattering the silence, we're rising, defiant
Shouting in the quiet, "You're not alone"
We listened to the demons, we let them get between us
But none of us are out here on our own
So we were cowards, so we were liars
So we're not heroes, we're still survivors
The dreamers, the fighters, no lying, I'm tired
But dive in the fire, and I'll be right here by your side
We broke into a million pieces, and we can't go back
But now we're seeing all the beauty in the broken glass
The scars are part of me, darkness and harmony
My voice without the lies, this is what it sounds like
Why did we cover up the colors stuck inside our head?
Get up and let the jagged edges meet the light instead
Show me what's underneath, I'll find your harmony
Fearless and undefined, this is what it sounds like"
2020, 2023, 2027, 2035