Rookie Interview With Elijah Bryant
Posted: Thu Aug 01, 2019 2:25 pm
Rumor has it that Bryant has NEVER lost at anything in his life.
Elijah Bryant, the former standout shooting guard at BYU is in the studio with us today. Bryant was a first team all All-WCC selection this past season, and was the WCC player of the year as well. The junior guard from BYU has always flown under the radar throughout the career, as he wasn't heavily recruited back in his high school days due to a lack of exposure, and a late growth spur that didn't happen until his senior year in high school. After years of blood, sweat, and tear, Bryant has finally conquered his goal of becoming a CSL player. Without further ado, let's get to this interview with this young man!
Interviewer: Thanks for joining us today, Elijah! Are you excited to be a part of the Washington Wizards organization?
Bryant: Please, refer to me as "Kobe."
Interviewer: ... Alrighty then, KoBe. Let me ask you again, how excited are you to be drafted by the Washington Wizards?
Bryant: Kobe shouldn't be excited about being drafted by the Wizards, the city of Washington should be excited about landing a great one like Kobe here.
Interviewer: Sir, why are you speaking in third person...?
Bryant: Why are you asking Kobe stupid questions? See? Kobe can play the same mind tricks on you. After years of studying psychology in BYU, nothing gets by Kobe. NOTHING. PERIOD! Kobe didn't get a PHD at psychology on the first day of campus for nothing.
Interviewer: Okay.. Perhaps we got off on the wrong foot here. Let's rewind back a bit, and start this interview all over again. Elij... pardon me, I mean Kobe. Is being drafted into the CSL a life long dream of yours? How are you feeling about this whole experience right now?
Bryant: Dreams? As a real grinder Kobe does not sleep. Sleep is for the weak. Dreams are for those unemployed Twitter folks who would wake up at 7am from their mama's basement, wash their faces, look themselves in the mirror, and realize what a huge failure they are in life. A winner like Kobe wakes up, and eats pieces of sh*t like that for breakfast. While you peasants sleep, a real king like Kobe is grinding in the gym, grinding in the club, and grinding in the nearest rail bar near your neighborhood pulling off a 1 million points combo breaker like Tony Hawk. That my friend is how you become SUCCESSFUL in life.
Interviewer:*frowns* Well, that escalated quickly, and honestly I don't even know what else to say at this point...
Bryant: You shut your mouth, jumbroni. Kobe isn't done talking, and don't you ever dare disrespect the great one like that ever again. You peasants want to know what Kobe thinks about the CSL? Kobe will tell you exactly how this will go. 1. Kobe will step into the Wizards facility at 3am, warming up, stretching out because a proper warm up is the true breakfast of champions. Kobe will then be drinking some Gatorade, because hydration is the key to success, something you unemployed peasants wouldn't understand. Next, Kobe will approach the press box, take control of the audio system, and play the greatest playlist known to mankind, the only song that will be playing is the Grammy-award winning, 1999 Hit Smooth By Santana Feat. Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty! Now the gym is set, Kobe puts up shots, every shot sinks to the bottom of the net, the rest of the Wizards team will continue to rebound for Kobe. Kobe continues to put up shots, and sinks every single one of them because FAILURE is not in the vocabulary for Elijah Kobe Bryant...
Interviewer: *points at producer* This is it, I am done. I quit. I will now be following my lord, and savior known as Elijah Kobe Bryant, and he will guide me through the path of success, glory, and salvation.
Bryant: Welcome to the club, my disciple. Now go get me a glass of the finest, most refined cup of water from the Lake of Minnesotan, and Kobe will purify your pathetic soul, and lead you on to the path of salvation, my son. Welcome to the Book of Kobe.
